By Janine Weisenbeck, LMSW, JD, Soffer & Associates Comprehensive Psychological Services
Consider a scenario where a teenage boy comes home from school, slams down his backpack and takes off his shoes before throwing them on the floor. His face has a deep frown and he avoids eye contact. When his father asks what is wrong, the boy’s eyes fill with tears and responds, “I’m a failure.” When his father asks follow-up questions, the boy unzips his backpack and pulls out a crumpled-up piece of paper – a math quiz, with the grade of ‘B’ written in the top right corner. “I made a stupid mistake. I’m so dumb.” The boy sits down at the table and puts his face in his hands. “I will never make it into a good college with these grades.”
In another circumstance, a tween girl has been offered placement into the honors science class at her school. When her mother congratulates her, the girl says matter-of-factly, “I’m not going to do it.” Her mother, flabbergasted and wanting every opportunity for her daughter asks, “What do you mean? You’ve worked so hard in science and now it’s being recognized by your teachers.” The girl shrugs and says, “It’s too hard. I like getting good grades and I’m worried I won’t get an A.” Despite much persistence from the mother, the girl continues to refuse to join the honors science class.
Do either of these situations sound familiar? Both accounts exemplify a tendency that arises in many school-aged children: perfectionism. As we approach a new school year, it is helpful for parents to know how to identify and intervene with perfectionist tendencies within the context of school.
What is perfectionism and why is it problematic?
Perfectionism is characterized by an extreme fear of failure and having unrealistic expectations of oneself and others. Oftentimes, perfectionism is considered a positive attribute, particularly within the context of our achievement-focused culture. Indeed, perfectionism does have some advantages, as it can motivate one to work hard and strive for accomplishment. However, it can become problematic and clinically significant when it causes considerable distress or interferes with daily life.
Striving for perfectionism can be a means to avoid shame. Children (and adults) with perfectionistic tendencies often work to achieve their best results, but with a deep sense of dissatisfaction because they are driven by the desire to avoid being seen as a failure.
Perfectionism can lead to unhelpful thought patterns, such as:
- All-or-nothing thinking: This is an extreme mode of thinking that creates a false dichotomy between success and failure. When in this distorted mode of thinking, the individual believes there is no middle ground. In a child, all-or-nothing thinking may look like the expressed belief that any grade below an ‘A’ is a failure, or insisting that making one mistake on homework means that it should be completely redone. This all-or-nothing thinking may result in a child becoming hyper-focused on grades and difficulty tolerating disappointment.
- Catastrophizing is a manifestation in which one jumps to the worst conclusion, often based on limited experience. In a child, catastrophizing may present as a child responding to a lower grade by saying, “Now I won’t make honor roll, which means I won’t be accepted into college, which means I won’t get a job, which means I won’t be able to afford a home, which means I won’t have anywhere to live.” This catastrophizing can lead to spending an excessive amount of time on homework or difficulty regulating emotions when receiving feedback or a mark that is below their standards (or what they perceive to be the standards of others).
- Overgeneralization is a broad assumption based on a narrow experience. In a child, overgeneralization may involve a child saying, “I didn’t make the baseball team, so I am bad at sports” or, “I didn’t sit with anyone at lunch today, so I won’t make any friends this year.” This overgeneralization may prompt children to avoid tasks or activities that they believe they will not be successful at, such as trying out for a new sport or enrolling in an after school club due to fear of not making friends.
It is clear how these unhelpful thought patterns are limiting to a child’s experience and development both within the school environment and other social or competitive environments. In addition, these modes of thinking are oftentimes associated with depression, anxiety, disordered eating, and other mental health concerns – making it an important task for parents to recognize when children exhibit perfectionistic tendencies.
How to approach perfectionism as a parent.
The goal for parents is to help their children become more flexible and less rigid in their thinking, and to support them in having more compassion for themselves and others. Parents have multiple tools they can use to help their children move away from perfectionism:
- Emphasize process over product. Children with perfectionistic tendencies often have a hyper-focus on grades rather than the work that went into achieving them – a mindset that is often reinforced by our grade-focused culture. Parents can counter this focus on grades by emphasizing the effort that children put into their projects and assignments, rather than the outcome. For instance, a parent can say “I noticed how much work you put into your science project,” rather than focusing on the final grade. A parent might also highlight a child’s individual progression, irrespective of grades, by saying, “Wow, I noticed how much more comfortable you’ve become at creating flashcards to study for tests. I remember when you were just beginning. You have made so much progress learning this study skill.” Or a parent can emphasize the skills a child practiced during a soccer game, rather than who won or lost. By emphasizing process rather than product, parents can help children shift their focus away from outcomes.
- Help children understand their worth irrespective of achievement. Parents can communicate to their children that their accomplishments – whether it be certain grades, their artistic abilities, or their placement on a sports team – contribute to their identity, but do not define their identity. For instance, parents can show an interest in their children’s lives beyond achievement by asking questions about their experiences with friends or their opinions on current events. Parents might also highlight when their child engages in an act of kindness, such as supporting a friend through a difficult time or walking the dog unprompted, to emphasize aspects of their child’s character that do not involve achievement.
- Frame mistakes as not only acceptable, but also as necessary for learning. Normalize making mistakes as an essential requirement for the development of new skills. Parents can explicitly say “mistakes are necessary for learning,” but it is also important to model making mistakes themselves. A parent can notice and highlight their own mistakes and model showing compassion for themselves. For instance, when a parent notices that they double-ordered groceries through a grocery delivery app, they can smile and say, “Oops, it looks like I double-ordered groceries this week by mistake. I guess we’ll be having a lot of leftovers! I will remember to review my order next time. Lesson learned! We all make mistakes.” Parents can convey that they, too, make mistakes and that is it is part of the human experience.
- Make room for activities that are not achievement oriented. Finding time in a child’s schedule to engage in activities that are solely for fun, self-expression or experimentation, such as a walk outside, an art project, or cooking together, will encourage more flexible thinking and – if done with others – can help with connectivity and social support.
Overall, when children embrace more flexible thinking and aim for a middle ground, they can strive for achievement and have a more balanced approach to schoolwork and other activities. Going into the new school year, this insight is an important element to keep in mind!
Photo credit: fizkes
Janine is a clinical therapist at Soffer & Associates. She is a licensed master’s level social worker with experience working with individuals and families in a variety of settings. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree at the University of Toronto and a Master of Social Work degree at New York University’s Silver School of Social Work. She also has a law degree from Fordham University School of Law. While in law school, she focused on public service and law related to women and families. She worked with asylum-seeking families at the border and in the Community Economic Development Clinic, which assists small nonprofit start-ups and community groups. Janine received the Archibald R. Murray Public Service Award for her pro bono and community work.
As a therapist, Janine has worked with clients to address various challenges, including those related to depression, anxiety, familial conflict, and grief and loss. She has trained and worked in numerous settings, including schools and an outpatient clinic. She completed the Clinical Externship at Ackerman Institute for the Family and currently sits on Ackerman’s Board of Directors.
