Embracing Transformation: Mourning the Loss of Our Old Identity and Welcoming Growth

September 2023

By Jennifer Baker, LPC, RPT, ACS; Change for Your Life

 

Life is a continuous journey of change and growth, and like a book, we bid farewell to old ideas with every new chapter. Just as the seasons change, so does our sense of self, life circumstances, and internal working models about the world.

An internal working model is our framework of mental representations for understanding the world, self, and others, which was learned in early childhood through our experiences. This means that how we feel about ourselves, and the world, was learned by how others were able to ‘show up’ for us or how available they were to meet our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.

If you were ever wondering why your relationships are on a ‘lather, rinse, repeat’ cycle, there’s an idea that we ‘go with what we know’ until we do the personal therapy to understand and transform what we learned as children. Only when we do the work to see the world from our current perspective, instead of through the lens of our historical traumas, do we actually behave and think differently in the present.

The mourning process of embracing transformation seems like a double edged sword: Gaining access to joy and love versus the loss of idealized identities and dysfunctional Family of Origin stories, comfortable but maladaptive behavioral patterns, and the discomfort of landing in the present. In some areas of their lives, people welcome the ability to feel a sense of well-being and happiness, but in other areas, they may now notice more discontent, such as how others are treating them. They feel like the shoe just doesn’t fit them anymore.

Disconcerted by this shift, I always reassure them this is a normal step in becoming their own true and best selves. Most likely, the patterns of interaction they were doing before were done to avoid any dreaded association with their Family of Origin, relational, shock, or other traumas. Trauma may be defined as any time there is a perceived or actual sense of overwhelm in which we cannot fix, avoid, or rescue ourselves.

As the lens with which we see the world transforms, we then start to move through the world differently. We start to expect different things from our relationships, look for our purpose in life, make new friends, and bid goodbye to old circumstances that don’t seem to fit our lives anymore. Mourning this shift is a profound and complex process but can also be a gateway to new opportunities, personal growth, hope, and resilience.


I have listed some helpful ideas and simple skills to foster internal resources to ease this transition and help with inner fortitude below:

1. The Radical Acceptance of the Cycle of Change. From childhood to adulthood,and through various life stages, we naturally evolve as individuals. What if ‘change’ is the only thing that is actually certain?

Start each day by saying five Gratitudes. This can help change your mood, embrace who you are and where you are in your life, and the trajectory of your day.

2. Saying Goodbye to the Familiar. Mourning the loss of our old identity, life, or internal working models means letting go of what was familiar. A sense of loss and uncertainty can accompany this as we step into uncharted territories. Make sure you connect with others to co-regulate and create a sense of safety.

Practice radical acceptance in challenging situations. Choosing to ‘do nothing’ is an active decision, giving yourself time to process and think about things for 24 hours instead of doing your normal knee-jerk reactions.

3. Honoring the Past. Early tribes found ways to honor their past experiences, ancestors, the lessons learned through the years, and the growth and milestones achieved.

Get back to your roots or create new practices or rituals that give meaning to your journey. Wrap a colored piece of string on your wrist, journal, and rip it up, or release flowers to the ocean to remember someone or something you mean to let go with love.

4. Navigate the Emotions with grace and dignity. Grieving the loss of an old identity or life can evoke a range of emotions. Allow yourself to feel them fully – sadness, nostalgia, fear, or excitement. Embrace vulnerability, as it is a sign of authenticity and courage. Doing Somatic Experiencing therapy is a wonderful way to honor this process.

Allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Go for a walk to be with your emotions and, at the same time invite the healing power of moving your body and being with nature to help temper your internal experiences. Pendulation is a powerful tool that encourages your nervous system to move through powerful emotions. Pendulate by focusing on an external positive resource, breathe, then shift to become curious about the uncomfortable emotions internally. They may shift and move through you.

5. Seek Supportive Connections from friends, family, or a therapist during this transitional period. We are actually wired to connect with other humans for safety and co-regulation (Polyvagal Theory, social engagement system). Engaging with others who understand your journey can provide comfort, connection, corrective emotional experiences, and a sense of belonging. Do some advanced techniques with a therapist such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which may support your transformation goals by releasing the influence of the past from the present.

6. Embracing Change as an Opportunity. Embrace change as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Embracing the unknown opens doors to new perspectives, passions, and possibilities. Let your curiosity lead the way, looking at new experiences as invitations to connect on a new level.

Anxiety and excitement can often feel mixed up in our bodies, especially if we have a trauma history. Use the breathing technique of breathing in normally, then breathing out longer to gain a sense of calm and engage the vagal braking system of your nervous system.

7. Cultivate Self-Compassion. Be compassionate toward yourself during this transformative phase. It is okay to feel uncertain or uncomfortable; change takes time and patience. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.

Would you speak to someone else like you usually talk to yourself? Probably not. Try to change your self-talk to be more encouraging. Instead of, “I’m so stupid to have done that”, perhaps say, “Well, that didn’t work! I will have to try something different next time.”

8. Reframe your Perspectives. Take time to reflect on your new identity, life, or internal working models. How have they evolved? What new insights or strengths have emerged? Reframe the change as a chance to create a more fulfilling and authentic life.

Seek out others who now reflect your sense of self and bring you joy mentally, spiritually, and physically. Get to know your own internal “Parts”, they can be a valuable internal strength and resource for managing powerful feelings.

9. Establish new goals. Set new intentions and goals that align with your evolving self. As you redefine your identity or view of the world, prioritize what matters most in your current chapter. Make your self-care and restorative practices like yoga, walking, and meditation, a daily ritual.

Make yourself and your happiness a priority, you will see you have much more to give others. A good way to think about it is like the gas in your car: If you have a full tank, then you can go far.

10. Acknowledge your progress. Celebrate the milestones by embracing your new goals and sense of self. Lift your chin and walk taller, make more eye contact, greet your amazing self with a smile!

Each step forward is a testament to your resilience and adaptability.

Remember that transformation is a continuous process, and we are ever-evolving beings. Mourning the loss of the old is a necessary step to welcome the new with open arms. As we let go of what was, we create space for growth, healing, and a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Embrace change as an opportunity to blossom into the person you are destined to become right now.

Smile, Breathe, Go slowly.

Feel free to email me and ask me a question: Jennifer@changeforyourlife.com

 


 

Jennifer Baker LPC RPT ACS
Jennifer has been working with children, adolescents, and families, in a variety of settings such as schools, private practice, and community agencies, for over a decade. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a Registered Play Therapist (RPT), an Approved Clinical Supervisor (ACS), EMDR Certified, and a Consultant in EMDR.

She uses EMDR 1 & 2.0, Somatic Experiencing, Polyvagal Theory, the Safe & Sound Protocol, Flash Technique, Ego States, Play Therapy, Trauma-Informed Yoga, and other creative therapies in her mental health private practice.

She has taught both undergraduate and graduate classes at Monmouth University and NJCU, respectively. She writes a biweekly newsletter and would like to continue to provide training, support, and a sense of community for other therapists in the field so we can all grow toward providing inclusive, best practices for all communities.

She has served as a Board Member for: NJAPT (New Jersey Association of Play Therapy); Friends of MCCAC (Monmouth Child Advocacy Center); Play Therapy Consortium of New Jersey and served as President of NJACC 2022-2023.