By Raquel Reis, Founder of Raquel Reis Coaching
February is the month of Valentine’s Day and love. This month of love not only reminds us of the importance of connection and care, but can also be a gentle caution against disappointment and heartache. Although there are some of us who look forward to a wonderful day with our loved ones, many of us feel let down because we didn’t get what we longed for, and compare our experience to all the Valentine’s Day hype. Surrounded by images of everything you might be missing, and don’t have in comparison, can be bittersweet.
Falling in love can be easy, but knowing how to stay in love, and support one another, doesn’t come naturally to most people. Just because two people love each other, doesn’t mean they know how to be a great team over time. You might be asking yourself, “Why is this hard? Is there something wrong with me? With them? Are we not compatible?” The answer is — relationships bring up our deepest stuff.
Why is it so hard? Because your sweetheart has thoughts, feelings, perspectives and desires that are sometimes in direct opposition with yours. That’s a recipe for struggle. Plus, with the best of intentions you might be stuck in a cycle that only makes it worse. Instincts aren’t on our side. Often what we are doing to solve the problem, unbeknownst to us, is only creating it. When you begin to understand that what you are doing to try and solve these issues may be reinforcing them, it becomes a lot easier to make changes.
In my own life and my work with couples the biggest factors that contribute to a strong relationship have to do with YOUR LOVE ACCOUNT! Picture your love account similar to a bank account in that, for every interaction you are either making a deposit or a withdrawal, even when addressing challenges. Yes, it’s important to know how to navigate differences, how to solve conflicts, yet so many challenges can ease up when we start depositing more goodness, nurturing our relationship in positive ways.
This may feel counterintuitive, because who wants to be nice to their partner, when they are driving us crazy or when we feel disconnected? When your Love Account gets low, you take things personally, you feel disconnected, reactive, resentful, and something stressful can turn into a disaster. But if you have a large amount of “savings” in your Love Account, it leads to resilience, respect, a spirit of teamwork, creative problem solving, romance, and a much easier time recovering from challenges.
Often, when couples are stuck they suffer from a low Love Account, and believe that the specific issue is the problem, but more often it’s a matter of connection. Dr. Gottman, a leading researcher in the science of relationships, has found that a ratio of 20:1 positive to negative interactions keeps your love account and connection steady and overflowing. During stressful times, you still want to maintain a 5:1 ratio. If you believe this ratio isn’t possible – I promise you, it is, and once you understand how to effectively fill it up, and the unique deposits of YOUR relationship, it’s much easier than you think.
Want to stop taking withdrawals and start making more deposits? One of the biggest deposits you can make in your relationship is by actively looking for what’s good and already working. We can literally find what we look for. If you are looking to find how your partner is wrong, clueless, or worse – that they don’t care – you will find evidence for it. And if you are looking for their good intentions and what they do well – you’ll find evidence for that as well.
The practice of appreciation is so important for relationships and, in turn, a life that you love. I call it “practice” of appreciation and not “having appreciation.” Noticing the good isn’t something that comes naturally, and there’s a scientific reason for it – 95% of the time our brain defaults to negative thinking. We are more aware of what’s wrong and the things we wish were different. Our brains are designed to scan for lack and danger, as a primal response to ensure our survival. This works against us when it comes to love.
Appreciation is a daily practice. It’s learning to direct your brain to recognize the things you already have and helps you grow what is already good. Appreciation helps to solve problems from sufficiency, rather than from fear or lack. APPRECIATION gets you out of SCARCITY. What you appreciate – appreciates (which goes both ways – for the good, and not so good). When you are feeling “lack,” you are highly aware of all the things your sweetheart isn’t doing. Anxiety and disappointment start to creep into your friendship.
Operating from a place of lack and urgency, CREATES MORE lack and urgency. You stop CONNECTING with your partner because your brain is fixated on what’s wrong, and inadvertently creates more distance. This is why appreciation is the foundation for a thriving relationship.
Here are some signs your relationship has fallen into SCARCITY (withdrawls):
→ You are easily triggered or annoyed.
→ Small things escalate quickly.
→ Things seem urgent.
→ You think “When they ___, I’ll be happy!”
→ You stop noticing all the ways they already make your life better.
→ You aren’t having fun together!
And here is what happens when your relationship is rooted in APPRECIATION and a robust love account:
→ You trust the inherent goodness of each other.
→ You trust the ebb and flow of connection and communication.
→ There’s no urgency.
→ You both feel supported and appreciated.
→ You solve problems creatively as a team.
→ Your differences work for you, and not against you.
→ You celebrate the good and evaluate what could be done even better.
→ More fun, friendship and delight!
See the difference in how you show up to the relationship with your sweetheart when you aren’t operating from scarcity?
So, as you spend time with loved ones, I invite you to notice how lovely your life ALREADY is.
For a complimentary 60 minute Relationship Breakthrough, click to call Raquel Reis Coaching.
Raquel Reis is a Certified Relationship Coach, an agent of love and partnership and a wealth of information in both the science and soul of what makes relationships work and thrive. She helps couples and individuals break free from patterns that are holding them back, turn their struggles around, and make simple shifts that impact everything! Relationships require a unique skillset that most people are missing, weren’t taught at school, and probably have few, if any, role models of people who are thriving in their relationships. Raquel brings ease, lightness and practical tools that are easy to grasp and to apply. Her approach is based on positive psychology, strength-based relationships, cognitive behavior, and somatic work. She is trained to work with attachment styles, trauma, infidelity, betrayal, sexuality, and addiction. www.raquelreiscoaching.com
Photo Credit:Zinkevych
