By Vanessa Reiser, LCSW, “Joan of Narc,” Founder & CEO-Tell a Therapist, LLC
Living with a narcissist can be a harrowing experience, often likened to enduring relentless contractions during labor. The lows become increasingly intense, while the highs fade into distant memories. Narcissists are often adept at disguising their true nature, presenting a charming facade in public or during the initial stages of a relationship. As a result, you might find yourself entangled in a living situation with a suspected narcissist before truly recognizing their manipulative tendencies.
Loving a narcissist is like navigating a labyrinth of blind alleys and dead-end roads. Feeling lost becomes the norm, and finding your way back to clarity and self-worth seems nearly impossible. Your reality becomes distorted, undermined by the subtle manipulation and gaslighting tactics employed by the narcissist. Escaping this toxic environment becomes crucial for your well-being, but it’s rarely easy. Until that liberation is achieved, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, navigating a minefield of ever-shifting expectations and emotional manipulation.
As a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, I’ve witnessed the profound impact these relationships can have on individuals and families. It’s essential to understand the dynamics of narcissistic behavior, recognize the red flags, and develop strategies to protect yourself and maintain your well-being, whether the narcissist in your home is your partner, parent, sibling, or another person.
Recognizing the Red Flags: Unmasking the Narcissist’s Tactics
Identifying the signs of narcissistic abuse is crucial for protecting yourself and reclaiming your life. While some red flags are blatant and overt, others are more subtle and insidious, often disguised beneath a veneer of charm and affection.
Here are some common warning signs that you may be living with a narcissist:
The Grooming Process
Narcissists are skilled manipulators. They often begin by showering you with attention, flattery, and affection, making you feel special and cherished. This “love bombing” phase is designed to quickly gain your trust and create a strong emotional connection. However, once the narcissist feels secure in the relationship, the mask begins to slip, revealing a pattern of behaviors that can be emotionally and psychologically damaging.
Recognizing the Signs
Living with a narcissist can be like living under a microscope. You may constantly feel the need to please them, avoid conflict, and cater to their ever-changing needs and demands. They may dominate conversations, belittle your accomplishments, and gaslight you into questioning your own perceptions and reality.
Here are some common signs you may be living with a narcissist:
- They need the conversation to be about them: Narcissists are often self-absorbed and have difficulty focusing on anyone but themselves. Conversations tend to revolve around their achievements, experiences, and opinions.
- They brag about you to others, but only superficially: While they may boast about your accomplishments to others, it’s often in a superficial way that serves to enhance their image rather than genuinely celebrate your successes.
- They lack empathy: Narcissists have difficulty understanding or sharing the feelings of others. They may dismiss your emotions, invalidate your experiences, or become angry when you express needs that don’t align with their own. A big indicator of this is if they are disconnected when you experience illness or loss.
- They are hypersensitive to criticism: Any form of criticism, even if constructive, is often met with defensiveness, anger, or denial.
- They have a sense of entitlement: Narcissists often believe they are special and deserve preferential treatment. They may disregard rules, exploit others, and expect constant admiration and validation.
- They are manipulative: Narcissists use a variety of tactics to control and manipulate those around them. This can include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and playing the victim.
- They lack accountability: Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions or apologize sincerely. They may blame others for their mistakes or minimize the impact of their behavior.
· They may be well-liked and important to others outside of the home, but controlling and harsh when alone: They behave differently in public than in private.
· They may force you to engage in sports or other activities, despite your wishes: Many narcissistic parents are busy living out their own dreams and fantasies through others disallowing them to do what they truly would like.
· They triangulate and create conflict: They may get jealous of your other parent, family member or sibling’s interest in you.
· They will use passive aggression or silent treatment to punish you: Many narcissists will punish others through snarky jokes at others’ expense.
· They “dangle carrots” and future fake: Narcissistic parents may do this with college payments, wedding planning, car payments or other financial blackmails.
· They use the smear campaign: Toxic family members may create conflict through badmouthing you to other family members.
· They may have a hard time being alone: They may force you to be their “plus one” or tag along even if it is for small trips to the store.
· They may refer to themselves in the third person: Many will speak of themselves by another name or nickname.
· They will disappear or act out on holidays or birthdays: They will not be comfortable with holidays or vacations because the focus may not always be on them. - You feel isolated: Many narcissists demand your attention and will keep others out of your life.
- They devalue you and lower your self-esteem: They will either devalue you through overt name-calling or chip away at your value through inferences or innuendo.
- They lack boundaries: They may walk into the bathroom when you are in there or demand you speak to them when you are on the phone or working.
- They record you or use surveillance: Many narcissists will want to know your every move and feel control over you so they record you.
- You are frequently ill: Many people report becoming sick because of the trauma of being with a narcissist and the high cortisol levels, with many developing autoimmune diseases.
- Your things go missing: Many narcissists will use this as a way to gaslight others in the family into thinking they are going crazy.
- You witness their paranoid anxiety: They can be hyper-focused on optics and their persona so they may become overly concerned with what others think.
- They may have strange bathroom habits: They may be doing nefarious things on their phones in the bathroom.
- They will keep you sleep-deprived or disrupt your sleep: People are easier to manipulate and thereby control when they are sleep-deprived.
- They manipulate the thermostat: Many will even use this to control the environment in their homes.
- They restrict your eating or force you to eat: Narcissists are all about control so what better way to feel a sense of control over others than to control this basic need?
- You lose yourself: Many report giving up their finances, careers, hobbies, friends, and overall autonomy.
Strategies for Self-Preservation
Living with a narcissist can be incredibly challenging, but there are strategies you can implement to protect yourself and maintain your well-being:
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- Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. This can be difficult with a narcissist, so maintain low expectations and understand that even suggesting a boundary may only give them the intel they are seeking of what exactly to exploit. Still it’s crucial for protecting your emotional and psychological space.
- Don’t take their behavior personally: Remember that the narcissist’s behavior is a reflection of their internal struggles and insecurities, not a reflection of your worth.
- Practice self-care: Prioritize your own physical and emotional health. Engage in activities that bring you joy, reduce stress, and nourish your soul.
- Seek support: Connect with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can offer validation, guidance, and support.
Educate yourself: Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and the dynamics of narcissistic abuse. This knowledge can empower you to recognize the patterns and make informed choices. - Consider your options: If the relationship is causing significant harm to your well-being, you may need to consider separating from the narcissist. This can be a difficult decision, but it may be necessary to protect your mental and emotional health. I recommend going “low-contact” or “no-contact” if possible to reduce harm as much as possible.
Protecting Your Children
If you have children living with a narcissist, it’s crucial to protect them from the damaging effects of the abuse. This can include:
- Teaching them about healthy boundaries: Help your children understand healthy relationships and how to set boundaries with others.
- Validating their feelings: Let your children know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to express them.
- Teach your children the difference between fact and fiction: Use examples in exterior environments when you see someone is lying and explain that the person is not telling the truth and describe the truth to them so they are increasingly less likely to question reality if there are understandings about fact vs. fiction.
- Providing a safe and supportive environment: Create a home environment where your children feel safe, loved, and supported. If this is not possible, consider options when you can.
- Seeking professional help: If your children are struggling with the impact of narcissistic abuse, consider seeking professional help from a therapist specializing in trauma and abuse.
Moving Forward
Living with a narcissist can be a draining and challenging experience, but it’s important to remember that you are not alone. By understanding the dynamics of narcissistic behavior, recognizing the red flags, and implementing strategies for self-preservation, you can navigate this difficult situation and protect your well-being.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, please know that healing and recovery are possible. Seek support, educate yourself, and prioritize your mental and emotional health. You deserve to live a life free from manipulation, control, and abuse.
Vanessa Reiser is a mother, author, entrepreneur, 2X Ironman, and psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Florida, specializing in narcissistic and cult abuse. She is also the founder of Tell a Therapist, LLC, and is best known for running across the state of New York (285 miles in 11 days) in a wedding dress to raise awareness for narcissistic abuse. She also subsequently ran across NJ, CT & MA with plans to traverse Rhode Island this year (2025) around Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (May 30th). Her insights stem from both personal and professional experiences, giving her a unique lens into this insidious form of abuse. She recently published “Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist’s Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People.” available on Amazon.
Vanessa holds a bachelor’s degree in political science and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Southern California focusing on community organizing and social policy.
