By Vanessa Reiser, LCSW, “Joan of Narc”, Founder & CEO-Tell a Therapist, LLC
Valentine’s Day is upon us and love is in the air! Chocolates, flowers, and romantic gestures abound. But amidst the Sweethearts and Cupid’s arrows, it’s important to be aware of a less charming phenomenon that can sometimes masquerade as affection: love bombing.
Now, before you panic and cancel your dinner reservations, let me assure you that a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift is not necessarily a red flag. There’s a distinct difference between genuine expressions of love and the manipulative tactic of love bombing.
As a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse, I’ve seen firsthand the devastating impact of love bombing, a form of emotional manipulation where someone overwhelms you with excessive affection, attention and flattery, often very early in a relationship. Like a whirlwind romance on fast-forward, love bombing is designed to sweep you off your feet and make you feel intensely desired and “special.” It usually includes long “CVS receipt length” text messages about being a “soulmate,” lavish gifts that seem not to honor who you really are or what you may enjoy receiving, or showing up wherever you are, by “coincidence.”
While it might seem flattering at first, love bombing is a dangerous red flag. It creates a false sense of intimacy and attachment, making it difficult to recognize the abuser’s true intentions. Think of this maneuver as a Trojan horse: it may look appealing on the outside, but hidden within are manipulation and control.
So, how does one differentiate between genuine expressions of affection and love bombing? Here are a few key distinctions:
- Timing: A thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift from your long-term partner is wonderful. A diamond bracelet from someone you’ve just met? That’s a potential red flag. Love bombing often happens very early in a relationship before a genuine connection has been established.
- Intensity: A bouquet of flowers is sweet. Daily deliveries of extravagant gifts and over-the-top declarations of love? That might be love bombing. The intensity and excessiveness are designed to overwhelm you and cloud your judgment.
- Consistency: A romantic dinner is a lovely gesture. Constant calls, texts, and demands for your attention? That’s a warning sign. Love bombers often try to consume your time and energy, isolating you from your support system.
- Reciprocity: A healthy relationship involves give and take. If someone is showering you with affection but shows little interest in your life or feelings, that’s a red flag. Love bombing is often one-sided and manipulative.
- Removal of the Gifts: The sudden removal of consistent and loving gestures indicates a potential love bombing scenario. If someone ghosts you or starts the silent treatment phase following a period of constant attention,this can be a red flag.
It’s important to remember that love bombing is not just confined to romantic relationships. It can occur in friendships, family relationships, and even professional settings.
While love bombing is a dramatic and easily recognizable red flag, narcissistic personality disorder, which is the reason behind most love bombing, often presents with more subtle and covert characteristics.
Beyond Love Bombing: Other Shades of Narcissism
- Addictive Behaviors: Gambling, shopping, working, video games, food, alcohol, etc.
- Braggadocious: Constantly talking about their accomplishments, possessions, or connections to inflate their importance and superficiality.
- Boundaryless: Calling you repeatedly at work or pushing into the bathroom when you are using it.
- Cheating: Patterns of infidelity.
- Controlling: Patterns of queries around who you’ve been talking to and where you have been.
- Entitlement: Cutting lines, driving fast or “one-upping” others in conversation.
- Anxiousness: Restlessness and inability to self-soothe.
- Future-Faking: “Dangling of carrots” and making promises about the future that are not always met.
- Impulsivity: Making big purchases or acting without thinking ahead.
- Gaslighting: Making you question your own memory, perception, or sanity through projection, deflection, and mirroring as well as using confusing communication techniques like “word salad” (jumbling nonsensical words together).
- Intimidating: Pushing staff or others around at a restaurant or other public space.
- Insecure: Questioning your loyalty with a high level of frequency.
- Isolating: Systematically removing all of your support systems.
- Lying: Making up stories, confabulating and taking no accountability for falsehoods.
- Manipulative: Using a myriad of tactics to confuse and control the people around them.
- Mask Wearing: Portraying themselves in public to be a stand-up citizen, yet acts differently behind the scenes.
- No Empathy: Very little regard for others and an inability to put themselves in another’s shoes.
- Passive Aggression: Making comments that undermine your confidence or make you feel insecure, often masked as playful teasing or sarcasm.
- Silent Treatment: Disappearing or cutting communication for pockets of time designed to punish or confuse.
- Smear Campaign: Spreading misinformation about people in their lives.
- Triangulation: Pitting two people against each other.
- Withholding: Keeping pertinent or important information or objects from those around them.
These behaviors might seem minor at first, but collectively and over time, they can erode self-esteem and create an unhealthy power dynamic in a relationship.
Protecting Our Children from Manipulative Relationships:
This Valentine’s Day, let’s empower our young people to learn how to recognize the difference between healthy affection and manipulative love bombing. By having open and honest conversations with our tweens and teens, we can equip them with the knowledge and tools to navigate relationships safely and build healthy connections. Let’s teach them to value respect, empathy, and genuine connection above fleeting flattery and superficial charm. Let’s teach them the difference between fact and fiction to insulate them from gaslighting and to be independent thinkers, so they can maintain autonomy in their relationships and reach their full potential.
More to Come…
This is just a glimpse into the complex world of narcissistic abuse. In future articles, we’ll explore other red flags, discuss the impact of this type of abuse, and provide strategies for healing and recovery. Until then, stay mindful, stay empowered, and remember that healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and genuine connection, not manipulation and control.
A Valentine’s Day Wish to the Authentic Characters in our Community:
To the healthy people in our region, who consistently show up with genuine love and respect, thank you. You are the backbone of our community, the partners, mothers, fathers, and friends who make our lives richer and safer. Your kindness, generosity, and unwavering support do not go unnoticed. This Valentine’s Day, as you express your love and appreciation for the special people in your lives, know that your efforts are valued and celebrated.
Vanessa Reiser is a mother, author, entrepreneur, 2X Ironman, and psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Florida, specializing in narcissistic and cult abuse. She is also the founder of Tell a Therapist, LLC and is best known for running across the state of New York (285 miles in 11 days) in a wedding dress to raise awareness for narcissistic abuse. She also subsequently ran across NJ, CT & MA with plans to traverse Rhode Island this year (2025) around Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (June 1st). Her insights stem from both personal and professional experiences, giving her a unique lens into this insidious form of abuse. She recently published “Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist’s Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People.”
Vanessa holds a bachelor’s degree in political science and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Southern California with a focus on community organizing and social policy.
Join Vanessa for a book signing on February 23rd between 1 pm-3 pm at the Eatontown Barnes & Noble to mingle with the author, fellow survivors of narcissistic abuse, supporters of the cause, friends, fans, and family.
Photo Credit:vi73777
