By Janine Weisenbeck, LMSW, JD, Soffer & Associates Comprehensive Psychological Services
Summer has officially arrived. For many of us, we have eagerly awaited this time of year, looking forward to warmer weather, longer and lazier days, and more time with our children. Yet, the very aspects of summer break that we look forward to – a break from the school routine, fewer carpools, and perhaps even some travel – can also cause an increase in parental stress.
A more relaxed schedule also means less predictability. A break from school means parents need to find alternative childcare or camp, both of which require logistical planning and financial cost. Spending more time with one’s children also means less time for oneself. For parents working outside of the home, work commitments often remain stable during the summer – meaning that just because it is summer break does not mean you get a break. For parents working solely in the home, not having children in school means caring for children for more hours of the day, leaving less time to complete other tasks. If embarking on travel, a trip can bring new adventures, while also requiring planning, packing, and an adjustment to a new place. The truth is: the stressors can mount during summer break.
Our expectations of how we think we will (or should) feel during the summer break may not be aligned with our actual lived experience, causing a sense of disappointment or frustration. In turn, parents may feel a sense of guilt or shame about not enjoying the summer break as much as they think they should – sometimes leading to the belief that we have somehow failed as parents.
Strategies to Manage the Reality of Summer: Minimize Stress Through Routine
Prepare for the change in routine. Create a calendar. Find a time to sit down as a family to review the summer schedule, including childcare arrangements, camp dates, and any vacation time. Explain and answer any questions about logistics that may emerge. This visual preparation will help children – and adults – know what to expect and hopefully reduce uncertainty and stress related to the transition into summer. Additionally, discussing changes to routine as a family allows for connectedness and collective problem-solving, which may also mitigate stress.
Maintain some aspects of regular routine. Try to keep up with regular bedtimes and mealtimes, as much as possible. While allowing kids to go to bed late or sleep in may be a fun treat, doing so regularly may lead to mood changes associated with sleep deprivation. Maintaining some aspects of your typical routine will provide you and your children with some predictability, which can reduce anxiety and stress.
Adjust Your Thinking
Acknowledge that parenting during summer break can bring both a sense of both enjoyment and stress. Allow for the perspective that you can feel more than one feeling at a time about the same situation. For instance, you may feel grateful for more time with your children while school is out and feel resentment about not having enough time for yourself. You may feel excited about an upcoming family vacation and overwhelmed by the planning and packing that is involved. You may feel relieved about a break from overseeing homework and worried about your child not having schoolwork to keep themselves busy. Mixed feelings are normative and reflect the complexities of everyday life. Acknowledging mixed feelings moves you away from all-or-nothing thinking, and, in turn, reduces shame about the feelings we sometimes believe we should not have.
Notice discrepancies between your expectations and your experiences. Try to notice when your expectations and actual experiences are not aligned and then acknowledge the discrepancy. For instance, if you expected longer summer days to be spent in the backyard with your children playing cooperatively with each other, but, instead, you find yourself taking on the role of mediator in their squabbling, take a moment to pause and notice this discrepancy between what you expected and what you are experiencing. You can take it one step further and identify how you feel about the discrepancy. You can tell yourself, “It makes sense that I feel exhausted by their arguing because my experience does not match my expectation.” In another example, if your children are reluctant to go to the beach, you could say, “It makes sense that I feel disappointed that my kids are not as interested in the beach outing as I thought they would be because my experience does not match my expectation.” Having awareness that there is a discrepancy between your expectations and actual experiences and telling yourself that any feelings you have about this discrepancy make sense allows for self-compassion and mitigates shame related to those feelings.
Adjust your expectations. Many parents believe they should take on the role of entertainment director during the summer months and keep their children constantly entertained. This belief is exacerbated by social media content that shows the highlights of what other parents are doing with their children. Recognize that this belief is unrealistic and can lead to parental burnout. Instead, take the pressure off. Planning some activities is additive, but allowing space for children to be bored is important because it lends itself to creativity and self-direction. Also, formative family memories do not require constant planned activity or Instagram-worthy images.
Prioritize Self-Care
Find support where you can. Ask other family members to contribute to childcare planning and logistics. Enlist a babysitter, if you are able. Collaborate with another parent to take turns hosting playdates so that you and they can each have a break. Finding support can reduce the parental load and stress.
Schedule quiet time to yourself. With increased childcare demands and less routine, it can be difficult to find a quiet moment to yourself. It is essential to do so, however. To avoid parental burnout, schedule quiet time for yourself each day, even if only for a few minutes. This quiet time can consist of five minutes of meditation in the morning before everyone else gets up, a walk between work calls, or taking a longer shower than usual. Regardless of form, scheduling quiet time for yourself daily will help to replenish you during these busy months.
Although summer is a special time of year and a unique time for families, being compassionate to yourself as a parent is critical to self-care. Developing organizational and coping strategies will help make for a more joyous summer for you and the entire family!
Janine is a clinical therapist at Soffer & Associates. She is a licensed master’s level social worker with experience working with individuals and families in a variety of settings. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree at the University of Toronto and a Master of Social Work degree at New York University’s Silver School of Social Work. She also has a law degree from Fordham University School of Law. While in law school, she focused on public service and law related to women and families. She worked with asylum-seeking families at the border and in the Community Economic Development Clinic, which assists small nonprofit start-ups and community groups. Janine received the Archibald R. Murray Public Service Award for her pro bono and community work. As a therapist, Janine has worked with clients to address various challenges, including those related to depression, anxiety, familial conflict, and grief and loss. She has trained and worked in numerous settings, including schools and an outpatient clinic. She completed the Clinical Externship at Ackerman Institute for the Family and currently sits on Ackerman’s Board of Directors.
