By Raquel Reis, Founder of Raquel Reis Coaching
I have an All Clad stainless steel skillet that I love. I use it every day and over time, while the inside stayed clean, the bottom became burnt and black. By the time I tried cleaning it, it seemed like it was too late. So I gave up, and it still worked fine.
A few months ago my cleaning lady gave it a go and she gave up too. But when she was done I saw a little glimmer of silver showing in all that blackness and I had an idea. What if I spent a minute a day, while I’m already washing the skillet, scrubbing the black? Just a minute. Sometimes less. It’s been two months and PEOPLE! I’m 70% there! It’s going to be clean and bright again!
And this made me think about relationships. The areas that got murky, slowly, over time, and we gave up on them – it just seems like TOO. MUCH. WORK.
When I work with clients we take on tiny shifts that create big changes. A minute a day when we intentionally drop the “harmless” snarky remarks or tiny complaints. And what about demands? Have you ever been on the receiving end of these? Did it inspire you to provide, to be loving, understanding or generous? Most likely, not. Most likely, you felt like you needed to defend yourself (or get away as far and as fast as you could).
Complaints and demands are both sneaky-sulking, snarky comments, withholding, eye-rolling, a sigh. Accept they can seem “harmless” but our thoughts can be loud. When we demand we leave someone with two options: resist or succumb. Even if you temporarily get what you want (and who would give it to you? Someone that is either afraid, needy, or just can’t be bothered to get into it with you) – there’s no power, understanding, or generosity in it.
Too often, we let our emotions control our actions or reactions. When we are afraid, we accuse ourselves and others. When we feel urgent, we demand immediacy and perfection. This will always create distance and resistance, the opposite of connection and growth.
Making a conscious decision to minimize the complaints, demands and accusations, even for just a few minutes a day, can create big change over time. And if you slip up, repair quickly. There are simple, clear, friendly ways to inspire the people you love to win with you, to really win. The kind of winning where you’re both left intact and even better, and closer than you were before.
And you know what else? Just like the skillet, you can still make delicious meals even when the bottom is burnt. Even while you are slowly cleaning it. You can still have lovely meals and experiences. You don’t have to fix everything before you can have fun, closeness, and friendship. Actually, fun, friendship, and closeness ARE the way out of the struggle.
A more joyful, intimate, and connected relationship is right around the corner.
Here’s to tiny shifts and sparkly skillets!
Raquel Reis is a Certified Relationship Coach, an agent of love and partnership and a wealth of information in both the science and soul of what makes relationships work and thrive. She helps couples and individuals break free from patterns that are holding them back, turn their struggles around, and make simple shifts that impact everything! Relationships require a unique skillset that most people are missing, weren’t taught at school, and probably have few, if any, role models of people who are thriving in their relationships. Raquel brings ease, lightness and practical tools that are easy to grasp and to apply. Her approach is based on positive psychology, strength-based relationships, cognitive behavior, and somatic work. She is trained to work with attachment styles, trauma, infidelity, betrayal, sexuality, and addiction. For more information, please visit www.raquelreiscoaching.com or email info@raquelreiscoaching.com.
