By Ariella Soffer, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and Janine Weisenback, LMSW, JD of Soffer & Associates Comprehensive Psychological Services
In almost every parent consultation session in our practice, a caregiver brings up a situation that they worry will “make their child anxious/upset/worried/depressed” and their biggest concern is, “how do we prevent this from happening?” As parents and caregivers, and more generally as human beings, we want to shield those we care about from pain. What we will try and explain in this article is why you should not attempt to shield your child from anxiety and pain.
Let’s take a few examples:
Your kid hates going to the dentist. Do you avoid telling them that they have two cavities that need to be filled in the next two weeks because you know it’ll be upsetting? Or do you bring it up knowing you may be faced with an outright meltdown?
Your child doesn’t make the basketball team and all her friends did. She has a birthday party that day and you know all her friends will be discussing it. Do you send her to the party where you know she will be upset hearing them all talk about the team? Or do you hold her back so she can avoid dealing with those bad feelings?
Your daughter is scheduled for her vaccines after school, but she hates needles (and so do you). Do you pick her up from school with ice cream and let it be a surprise? Or prepare her for the visit in the morning before she leaves?
Your mother is in the hospital because she had a stroke, and your son notices that you and your partner have been taking turns going back and forth somewhere… Do you share with him that there is something wrong with grandma? Or keep him in the dark?
The most important takeaway from this article is that anxiety is not generated from discussing topics that are scary. Kids feel anxious when they are in situations where they feel ill-prepared to navigate a situation and feel confused, misled, and scared.
Considering example #3: If you arrive at the doctor and your daughter is not aware of the fact that she is getting her vaccines, she will feel like you lied to her and consequently be reactive and afraid. Try giving yourself and your child more credit for being able to handle the situation:
- Own your own anxiety about the vaccines, whether about the shots themselves, your own fear of needles, or your concern about being able to comfort your daughter.
- Prepare yourself and your child for the conversation. “We are going to talk about something that may be a little hard that we must do after school today. Let’s take a few deep breaths together and get ready to discuss it.”
- Review in detail all the steps that will happen. “We are going to go to the pediatrician, we will wait for a bit and then the nurse will bring you in and take your height, temperature, and weight. Then the doctor will come in and talk to us and then afterwards you will get a few shots (called your vaccines). It may hurt a little bit, kind of like a pinch. Here are some ways we can handle it together. I will be there with you the whole time. We can distract each other with a blindfold and phone, we can watch the whole time, or we can take some deep breaths together. No matter what, it’s important to get these shots so that you can be protected from the diseases that they prevent.”
- Ask your child if they have questions.
- Acknowledge the feelings they likely have. “This is probably going to be anxiety provoking, but I know you can do so many hard things.” When you do this, you are also instilling confidence in your child that she can get through this, and consequently without realizing it you are also telling her you know she can also do other hard things. It’s a way that she will continue to build her confidence over time.
Arming someone with preparedness builds confidence and capability.
Think about a situation for yourself that was new. How did you prepare yourself? Rehearsal is a good way to get comfortable with something you have to do. You likely don’t go into a meeting without rehearsing, so give your children the same opportunity in an age-appropriate way.
As described in example #4, illness and death in a family is another big area of concern for parents. We always give the same advice here. Always be direct and honest (again, in an age-appropriate way) and tell your child what is happening. “Grandma is in the hospital because she had something called a stroke. The doctors are trying to find ways to work on her body and her mind so that she can get better. I am feeling sad and worried about it, but know that the doctors are doing everything that they can to help her. This may also be scary for you, so I understand if you have questions, and I am here for you to talk about it. We will be able to visit her when the doctors say we can.”
Another strategy that can be effective is creating a story that puts yourself in your child’s shoes to reflect how they might be feeling. “I remember when I was about your age and on the first day of school when nobody I knew was in my class. I felt pretty scared, but I remember that my dad told me that doing hard things was something that, while hard, I did all the time. He reminded me about the time I went to my first swim meet, and I didn’t know anyone on the new team, but then I swam in a relay and brought our team into first place and had so much fun!”
Kids want to feel less alone, both with their feelings and also in reality. You, as their parent, accomplish this by empathizing with their feelings and recognizing them (appropriately) and also helping to partner with them in tackling the situation at hand. Let’s take example #2 of your child not making the team. In this situation, you might be inclined to protect your child from feeling badly at the birthday party and holding her back so that she doesn’t have to face her friends who all made the team. What does this accomplish? It communicates to your child that you don’t think she can handle feeling disappointed. Our recommendation is to show your child that you believe in her. Tell her that she didn’t make the team and help her recognize that this doesn’t define her by letting her know that you understand and see her disappointment and want to help her through it. Work with her to try and figure out how she wants to navigate the hardship. It will make her a stronger person, more resilient, more capable, and more confident in herself to navigate disappointment and failure in the future.
Life is not easy. Your child will fail, your child will fall, your child will feel anxious, and your child will get scared. Take the opportunity you have as a parent and use these situations to help them build their skills, so that they can be confident and competent when they face adversity.
(left) Ariella Soffer, Ph.D., is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who owns a group practice in Manhattan. Dr. Soffer’s practice specializes in parenting consultation, sports psychology, perinatal mental health and in addition to general mental health concerns. Soffer & Associates Comprehensive Psychological Services website can be found here: DrAriellaSoffer.com
(right) Janine Weisenback, LMSW, is a licensed master level social worker and therapist who has experience working with individuals and families in a variety of settings. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree at the University of Toronto and Master of Social Work degree at New York University’s Silver School of Social Work. She also has a law degree from Fordham University School of Law. During her time in law school, Janine focused on public service and law related to women and families. She worked with asylum-seeking families at the border, as well as in the Community Economic Development Clinic, which assists small nonprofit start-ups and community groups. She received the Archibald R. Murray Public Service award for her pro bono and community work.
As a therapist, Janine has worked with clients to address various challenges, including those related to depression, anxiety, familial conflict, and grief and loss. She has trained and worked in numerous settings, including schools and an outpatient clinic. She completed her Clinical Externship at Ackerman Institute for the Family, and currently sits on Ackerman’s Board of Directors. Janine works from a strengths-based and non-judgmental stance. She incorporates various modalities into treatment, including psychodynamic, systemic, and mindfulness models. She aims to provide a safe space in which her clients can experience themselves as empowered and capable of navigating challenges and obstacles throughout their lives.
Photo credit: fizkes
