By Jennifer Baker, LPC, RPT, ACS; Active Therapeutic Solutions
Life is a continuous journey of change and growth, and we bid farewell to the old with every new chapter. As seasons change, so does our sense of self, life circumstances, and internal working models about the world.
An internal working model is our framework of mental representations for understanding the world, self, and others, which was learned in early childhood through our experiences. This means that how we feel about ourselves has been learned by how those around us behaved , not necessarily as a result of our actions , but by how others were able to ‘show up’ for us. If you ever wondered why your relationships are on a ‘lather, rinse, repeat’ cycle, there’s an idea that ‘we go with what we know,’ until we begin the personal therapy needed to understand and transform what we have learned as children.
Most people seem surprised by the mourning process of embracing transformation while doing their own personal work to process trauma. In some areas of their lives, people welcome the ability to feel a sense of well-being and happiness, but in other areas, they may notice more discontent, such as how they are treated by others. They feel the shoe just doesn’t fit them anymore. Disconcerted by this shift, I always assure them this is a normal step in becoming their own true and best selves.
Most likely, the patterns of interaction they engaged in prior, were to avoid any dreaded association with their Family of Origin or relational trauma or shock. Trauma may be defined as any time there is a perceived or actual sense of overwhelm that cannot be fixed, avoided, or that one cannot be rescued from.
As the lens with which we view the world transforms, we then start to move through the world differently. We start to expect different things from our relationships and our purpose in life, make new friends, and bid goodbye to old circumstances that don’t seem to fit our lives anymore.
Mourning this shift is a profound and complex process but can also be a gateway to new opportunities, personal growth, hope, and resilience. Below are some helpful ideas and simple skills to foster internal resources and help build inner fortitude:
1. The Cycle of Change: Embracing change is an inevitable part of life’s cycle. From childhood to adulthood, through various life stages, we evolve as individuals. Acknowledge that change is natural and allows us to embrace transformation with greater ease.
Start each day with saying five Gratitudes; this can help change your mood, embrace who you are and where you are at in your life, and the trajectory of the day.
2. Say Goodbye to the Familiar: Mourning the loss of our old identity, life, or internal working models means letting go of what was familiar. This can be accompanied by a sense of loss and uncertainty as we step into uncharted territories.
Practice radical acceptance. Just say, “Ok, I wonder what will happen next?” and give yourself time to process and think about it for 24 hours instead of allowing your normal knee-jerk reactions.
3. Honor the Past: As we embark on a journey of transformation, we must honor our past experiences, the lessons learned, and the growth achieved. Each moment, positive or challenging, has contributed to shaping who we are today.
Create new practices or rituals that give meaning to your journey. Wrap a colored piece of string on your wrist, journal and rip it up, or release flowers to the ocean to remember someone or something that you mean to let go with love.
4. Navigating the Emotions: Grieving the loss of an old identity or life can evoke a range of emotions. Allow yourself to feel them fully – sadness, nostalgia, fear, or excitement. Embrace vulnerability, as it is a sign of authenticity and courage.
Allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Go for a walk to be with your emotions and at the same time invite the healing power of moving your body and being with nature to help temper your internal experiences. Pendulation is a powerful tool that encourages your nervous system to move through powerful emotions. Pendulate by focusing on an external positive resource, breathe, then shift to become curious about the uncomfortable emotions internally. They may shift and move through you.
5. Seek Supportive Connections: Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist during this transitional period. Engaging with others who understand your journey can provide comfort, connection, corrective emotional experiences and a sense of belonging. Try some advanced techniques such as EMDR and Somatic Experiencing (click on links to learn more) which may support our transformation goals by releasing the past from the present.
6. Embrace Change as an Opportunity: Embrace change as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Embracing the unknown opens doors to new perspectives, passions, and possibilities. Let your curiosity lead the way, looking at new experiences as invitations to connect on a new level.
Anxiety and excitement can often be mixed up in our bodies, especially if we have a trauma history. Use the breathing technique of breathing in normally, then breathing out longer to gain a sense of calm.
7. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Be compassionate toward yourself during this transformative phase. It is okay to feel uncertain or uncomfortable; change takes time and patience. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.
Would you speak to someone else the way you usually talk to yourself? Probably not. Try to change your self-talk to be more encouraging. Instead of, “I’m so stupid to have done that”, perhaps say, “Well, that didn’t work! I will have to try something different next time.”
8. Reframe Perspectives: Take time to reflect on your new identity, life, or internal working models. How have they evolved? What new insights or strengths have emerged? Reframe the change as a chance to create a more fulfilling and authentic life.
Seek out others who now reflect your sense of self and bring you joy mentally, spiritually, and physically.
9. Establish New Goals: Set new intentions and goals that align with your evolving self. As you redefine your identity or working models, prioritize what matters most in your current chapter. Make your self-care and restorative practices, like yoga, walking, and meditation, a daily ritual.
Make yourself and your happiness a priority, and you will see you have much more to give others. A good way to think about it is like the gas in your car: if you have a full tank, you can go far.
10. Celebrate Progress: Celebrate the milestones and progress in embracing your new goals and sense of self. Each step forward is a testament to your resilience and adaptability.
11. Be Aware of Others’ Reactions: If what you are saying and doing is not receiving a positive reaction, you need to change your approach. Each person’s nervous system triggers and personal stories, determine how your presence will be received. They will resist a new way of interacting, even if you are being kind, if it does not fit their deeply entrenched story and self-talk.
If you walk through the world believing everyone is doing their best and that you are shining your light in a helpful way, going slow and being calm is your best strategy.
Remember that transformation is a continuous process, and we are ever-evolving beings. Mourning the loss of the old is a necessary step to welcoming the new with open arms. As we let go of what was, we create space for growth, healing, and a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Embrace change as an opportunity to blossom into the person you are destined to become.
Smile, Breathe, Go slowly.
Jennifer Baker LPC RPT ACS
Jennifer has been working with children, adolescents, and families in a variety of settings, such as schools, private practice, and community agencies, for over a decade. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a Registered Play Therapist (RPT), an Approved Clinical Supervisor (ACS), EMDR Certified, and a Consultant in EMDR.
She uses EMDR 1 & 2.0, Somatic Experiencing, Polyvagal Theory, the Safe & Sound Protocol, Flash Technique, Ego States, Play Therapy, Trauma-Informed Yoga, and other creative therapies in her mental health private practice. To learn more, please click here to visit Jennifer’s website.
